Keith's Management Guide
Keith’s Management Guide
Lean Management
When asked a question, ask yourself if you really have to answer it. The answer is always not yet, so you don’t answer.
Scrum Management
When being asked a question, make an estimate about how long the question will take to answer and add it to a prioritised list of questions in a backlog. Inform the asker that you cant answer right now, as your current sprint is full and that with the current velocity the question will be answered in 6 months, with an error rate of +/- ~80%. Explain that the error rate is so high due to the problem of the changing definition of Story Points with relation to rhetorical questions.
Waterfall Management
Prepare a list of questions that you expect to answer over the next 6 months, plan how long those questions will take to answer and roughly when you think those questions will be asked. When asked a question that is not on the list, look at the person asking the question with a confused face, and just give them the expected answer for the currently planned question.
Extreme Management
When asked a question, immediately gather all teams members, order pizzas and lock yourself in a room for week. Emerge from the room with the answer for a different question.
Kanban Management
When asked a question tell them that you can only work on one question at a time, that you are currently busy thinking about what you want for lunch and that you will get back to them at some point in the future. You might tell them after lunch, but at the time you may have switched to the more pressing topic of what you want for dinner.
Clean Management
When asked a question, spend 25 years formulating an answer that is beautifully crafted. The elegance of the answer is so wonderful that you print and frame the answer for all to behold. You upload the answer to github and get hundreds of stars and watchers. The person that asked the question has long since died.
Evolutionary Management
Ensure any answer that you give can be given to any other question.
Agile Management
When asked a question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, you start to give the answer but during the response the asker of the question stops you and asks you a different question, …
Consultant Management
You get asked a question. You pay a team of specialist consultants 5000€ to teach you how best to answer the question. They assure you that although they have never heard that particular question before, you are now equipped with the right tools to answer any question with trust, respect, honesty and high velocity. Whatever the question was, you always answer “agile”. If the questioner doesn’t accept that answer, tell them they are “anti-agile” and are not “agile enough” to understand the answer. Advise them to go on a training course (with Lego).
Freelancer Management
As a freelancer you get asked a question, you are paid by the hour so you keep repeating “it depends” for as long as possible. When you finally see that the askers patience is running out, give the answer but make it so complicated that the questioner has to ask another question to find out what you meant… and repeat.